Baby Steps
by Commander Zia
Summary: Kakashi isn't quite sure he understands.  /But the gears are turning, even you can tell.\


I found this style experiment while sorting through my 'completed and unposted' Naruto oneshots. I read it through and I actually don't think it's that bad. And don't worry if you're not a big KakaSaku fan. I wrote this darn thing and I didn't realize it was KakaSaku until the third-to-last line. Hope it makes enough sense, anyhow. Sorry for how wannabe it is, my guess is that I wrote it at 5 am on a post-caffine-high crash. Enjoy~

* * *

**B** a b y **S** t e p s

* * *

Kakashi wanders throughout the corridors slowly. (Feel that warm blood? Dripping to the floor?)

Kakashi can barely walk for the moisture clinging to the balls of his feet, but still he tries, slipping and sliding and only half-conscious. (Where are you going?)

Kakashi can feel the sword gripped tightly in his fingers, but his hands are so numb he cannot let it go.

The metal drags across the floor, clicking and clinking and sliding across the bloody stone. (But that's not your blood, you know. That's never been your blood.)

His right eye droops half-closed and his empty left eye has long been sewn shut, the black thread biting angrily into his skin.

Kakashi can barely see the dark stone in front of his feet as he walks. (Blind blind blind, that's what you are. But you never could really see, could you Kakashi?)

The scars still lace his skin half-open, and the blood squeezes out with a sting.

Kakashi barely notices as he collapses to the ground, he is so out.

Kakashi is so out he doesn't even notice as the pink-haired girl picks him up in her arms. (They've gotten so strong, but look at you. Weak weak weak, Kakashi, that's what you are.)

Kakashi can barely hear as the girl screams his name, green eyes welling up with tears.

(But Kakashi, you never were an observant one. Just go to sleep and pretend it never happened, and maybe it will all go away just like it always does…)

.

Kakashi awakes to the sound of beeping, but it doesn't really register in his mind because he's so tired. (Because you're a _coward_, don't pretend you're still sleeping.)

But Kakashi does pretend, and for nearly an hour he listens to the crying around him.

Kakashi can barely remember what was supposed to be wrong; had somebody died? (Of course Kakashi, many have died. You've killed so many people, and yet you feel no remorse. Are you a monster?)

Kakashi blinks his eye open to see a rainbow of colors above his head. (Because it's been so long since you've seen anything but red, red and grey.)

Kakashi's whole body hurts, so when he feels a hand grasp his own he flinches, his lips twitching. (But you can't tell them to go away, can you? Not after what you've done to them, you could never ask any of them for anything.)

They shout and scream in joy and happiness.

Kakashi can't really understand. (You used to, of course. But then they hurt you so badly and all that's left is the guilt. I can't say I blame you for that.)

Something like pity flashes in the tall blonde's eyes, and Kakashi knows she knows something he could never understand, even if he wanted to.

(And you do want to, don't you? There are so many things you'd love Kakashi. You loved your team too, and look what happened to them. So what now?)

.

Kakashi still can't understand.

They tell him that he's recovering, and that in a couple of weeks he'll be ready for full duty again. (But you'll never recover, not _really_, not after what they put you through.)

Kakashi looks flatly into his students' eyes and smiles blankly. (You don't know what this twinge in your heart is, do you?)

His students give him a worried, frantic look, before taking his arm and leading him down the street.

Kakashi trips slightly as he follows, uneasy on his feet.

He sees himself, alone in the dark, his bloody blade hoisted high over his head. (That blood isn't yours, you know. How will you repent?)

When finally Kakashi trips and falls to his knees his students cluster around him, anxious and panicking.

(This is love, Kakashi. Can you still recognize it? This thing in your chest is for more than pumping blood Kakashi, but you can't understand that, can you?)

.

For a moment Kakashi lets his gaze drift to the picture frame next to his bed. (They look just like you remember them, don't they? Young and beautiful and strong.)

He feels something like guilt, but he's been feeling guilt so often he barely notices it at all.

Kakashi slips on his vest and walks quietly out of the door. (That's it, just like that. Pretend that nothing's wrong.)

The three teenagers jerk in surprise as he appears. (That's right, you forgot to visit the memorial stone today. But that was just a time wasting thing, really.)

They ask Kakashi if he's okay.

Kakashi doesn't quite understand. ("The doctor's said so." You say, because you _don't_ understand. Will you never relearn?)

The pink-haired girl takes your hand and talks quietly about things.

She tells you how much she loves you. (Love? You can remember that, surely you can. Love is that pain in your chest when you remember your team, dead and forgotten.)

Kakashi isn't quite sure he understands. (But the gears are turning, even you can tell.)

The pink-haired girl sobs quietly to herself at night, Kakashi follows her and watches through her window.

Kakashi isn't quite sure why it makes him so angry.

The next day Kakashi hugged the girl to his chest tightly and told her he'd never let go. (See? How hard was that, forgetting the feeling of blood on your hands.)

Again the girl sobs, but something in Kakashi tells him he shouldn't be worried this time.

(This is what learning is, Kakashi. Baby steps.)

Years later Kakashi smiles brightly, adjusting the hitai-ate slung across his empty eye to hide the grotesque scarring from view.

(You see, Kakashi? It's not that bad.)

He dreams that he is in a dark room, wiping off his bloody sword carefully so that it shines silver bright again.

(You're not perfect, Kakashi, but you're learning.)

Kakashi's lips touch the pink-haired girl's lightly, and something spikes warmly in his heart.

(Love, Kakashi. Can you understand?)

Kakashi thinks that now, again, maybe he can.


End file.
